I Lied on My Resume and Got Put in Charge of the Whole F***ing Project

I put “Advanced Excel” on my resume.

Why?
Because I’ve opened Excel before.
Because I know how to center text and drag a sum function.
Because I once saw a guy use a pivot table and thought, “I could probably figure that out.”

So yeah — I wrote "Advanced."

Flash forward two months.
I’m sitting in a meeting. Director says:

I nod like a f***ing sociopath.
Inside? Screaming.

By 2PM I’m in Google, typing:

I’m watching tutorials at 1.25x speed like I’m cramming for the SATs.
I try to make a graph and it looks like a fifth grader designed it during a fire drill.

Client check-in is Friday.

I’m sweating through my shirt, googling how to make Excel not look like hot garbage.
Conditional formatting? Sounds like a personality disorder.
Power Query? Sounds illegal.

But I don’t crack.
I grind.
I fake it.
I rearrange cells with pure rage.

Friday comes.
I present the dashboard.
It works. Barely. But it works.
Everyone nods like I’m some kind of wizard.

Someone says,

I say,

I don’t know what the f*** that means.
Neither do they. Doesn’t matter. They eat it up.

Now I’m the “Excel guy.”
Which means I’m f***ed forever.

Lesson?
None.
I still don’t know how to use half the functions.
But I walk around like I do.

Sometimes confidence is just saying “got it” and figuring it out while crying into your keyboard at 3AM.